FEEL THIS JOKE !!

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor & decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U".....

He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.......................

"Father, pls come with me . Come & witness God & satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"......

They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U'............

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:

"What About The Two At The Gate?"...........

You should see the marathon.........

The priest almost ran pass the church gate..shouting:"We Are Not Dead Yet oohh!!!".


Hymns For All Things
The Dentist's Hymn:........... Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn......... There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn:........ The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:............ Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:............ There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:........ Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn:....... Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn:......... I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:.. ......... Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn:....... Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:........... Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn:........... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn... He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:............ The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

-----45mph...........God Will Take Care of You

-----55mph...........Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

-----65mph...........Nearer My God To Thee

-----75mph...........Nearer Still Nearer

-----85mph...........This World Is Not My Home

-----95mph...........Lord, I'm Coming Home

-----Over 100mph.....Precious Memories

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.


I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
" hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple; It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because Cuckoo always lives in a Clock!"

Einstein to Chaplin:
"What I most admire about your art....
you don't say a word
and yet
the rest of the world understands you"

Chaplin answered :
It’s true, but your glory is even greater..
"The whole world admires you,
even though they don't
Understand a word of what you say...!"

Cardiologist and the Mechanic


A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,


"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,


"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £40,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered, "Try doing it with the engine running."

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2014 when...


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't

a 9 on this list.

THE SHOE BOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'


THE PASTOR'S CAT
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humour?
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humour.

Anyone can count the seeds in an apple; but only God can count the apples in a seed.

GIVE ME A SENSE OF HUMOUR, GOD GIVE ME THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE TO GET SOME HUMOUR OUT OF LIFE AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLKS AMEN !

"Each Day is God's Gift to you, make it blossom and grow into a Day of Beauty"



1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach..
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician

SARCASM AT ITS BEST


A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

Life's Truths


TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus..

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.

At age 50 success is . . . Having money..

At age 7 0 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.

At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.


Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;

BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*


Take the time to live!

Life is too short.

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

__

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

__

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher


FUNNY DEFINITIONS:


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And my favorite!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.


NEW LAWS
1. LAW OF QUEUE:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

2. LAW OF TELEPHONE:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:

After your hands become coated with

grease, your nose will begin to itch.

4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

5. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. BATH THEOREM:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen

with.
8. LAW OF THE RESULT:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:

The severity of the itch is inversely

proportional to the reach.
10. LAW OF COFFEE:

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee,your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Just Awesome..Maths at its best!


The 3 Apples That Changed The World

These 3 apples are highly symbolic in the history of mankind.

(cross posted from www.gingersoftware.com)


apple.jpg

WHY? - rather interesting...


Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up.."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 .
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.After much practice, he could barely get past the firstline. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.
What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied."Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house.""That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

THE BIBLE
Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints.
Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up.And did you also know that when you are about to forward this link to others,the devil will try to discourage you, but you send it anyway.

KIDS IN CHURCH


3-year-old Reese :

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'



One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'


A wife invited some people to dinner..

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'


Peace, love and happiness

Hello -- I have questions!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?

Now, stop laughing long enough to forward this onto somebody else who could also use a good chuckle!!

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so;whydo we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That really hurt you dumb sh*t,why don't you watch where you're going?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends and forward this link.
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!

Laughter is the Best medicine !
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Laughter is the Best medicine !
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Truths for mature humans

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Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ! 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

OWLS~ (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa...
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg,depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna ‘work’."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.
Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day and keep laughing! It's good for the soul

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of women in this world are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means...
75% are running around untreated!



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Husband Vs Wife... ART OF LIFE

I am dying
Husband texts to wife on cell...
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!

Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen...

Cool message by a wife
Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Sweet demand by kid
A Sweet demand by a kid.
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera.

Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"

I will think about it
When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet...

Habbit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen he's awake

Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.

Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

Wife: honey what r u looking 4?
Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever

Wife wish 2 be a newspaper
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

Can I make a call to my wife?
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.



WIFE IS DANGEROUS
LOVE IS LIFE

LIFE IS WIFE

WIFE IS KNIFE and

KNIFE IS DANGEROUS


What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.

His wife yelled:

"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"

The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!

Monday passed and he didn’t see her......

Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....

On Thursday his swelling became better

And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.


Why women starts with W
You know why women starts with 'W'...

because all questions start with "W".. !

Who ?

Why ?

What ?

When ?

Which ?

Whom ?

Where ?

&

Finally Wife..!!!


NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife,


NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.


Difference between Friend & Wife
Difference between Friend & Wife

U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"

But Do u have courage to tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"


Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!

Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!



Message of the year
Message of the year:-

Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!

Why? Very simple...

A woman does not have a wife..!!!



Husband to a newly wed wife
Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.

Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.


Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you.!!

Subject: Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone
who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little
Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think
you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing
there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he
asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving
up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are
2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and
the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of
the10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters
pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to
capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you
keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
upand down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to
make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I
buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the
UPS guy wants to buy Mom

Momma's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama


A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near
the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Subject: Husband - Wife.

Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living
with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Sweet demand by kid
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.


Habit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor: My husband has habit of talking in sleep!
what should i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he's awake


Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the
Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.


Similarity between chewing gum & Begum
What's the similarity between chewing gum & begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the end...!!





The Sharing of Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'THE TEETH.'


PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER :
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION :
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES :
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

Scrabble


ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO :
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW :
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

The Difference Is ...

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of BMW Car when
he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the
side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, ? Hello Doctor!! Please come over
here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves
out, grind "em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new
one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically
the same work?" .

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running."

Accept with grace

Death came to a guy and said, "My friend, today is your day" ! Guy:- "But I'm not ready!".Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list...".
Guy:- "Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?".
Then death said,"All right.. ".The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.
The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put into the bottom of the list.
When death woke up he said to the guy,"Because you have been so very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.."
Lesson for the day...Accept with grace, whatever is written in your destiny...!


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TWO LITTLE STUBBORN CHILDREN…


The two little boys, ages 8 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!”

“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

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Brain-teaser

Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!
Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?
1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God....
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.
Did you figure it out?

Try hard before looking at the answers


Did you get it yet?


Give up?


Brace yourself for the answer....



The Answer is:


NOTHING!


NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded God.
NOTHING is greater than God.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

Send this brain-teaser to your smart friends and see if they can answer it.


This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."


Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

17. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better...But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


DO YOU KNOWYOUR HYMNS WELL?



Dentist's Hymn..................................... Crown Him with Many Crowns.

Weatherman's Hymn............................ There Shall Be Showers of Blessings.

Contractor's Hymn............................... The Church Has One Foundation.

The Tailor's Hymn............................ ....Holy, Holy, Holy.

The Golfer's Hymn................................There's a Green Hill Far Away.

The Politician's Hymn........................... Standing on the Promises!

Optometrist's Hymn.............................. Open My Eyes That I Might See.
.
The IRS Agent's Hymn.......................... I Surrender All.

The Gossip's Hymn................................Pass It On.

The Electrician's Hymn......................... Send The Light.

The Shopper's Hymn............................. Sweet Bye and Bye.

The Realtor's Hymn.............................. I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop.

The Massage Therapist's Hymn............. He Touched Me.

The Doctor's Hymn................................The Great Physician.



AND for those who speed on the highway - a few special hymns:

55 mph .................................................God Will Take Care of You

75 mph ................................................ Nearer My God To Thee

85 mph ................................................ This World Is Not My Home

95 mph ................................................ Lord, I'm Coming Home

100 mph .............................................. Precious Memories


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folks.


A middle-aged man asking the Trainer in the gym:
"I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?"

Trainer: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?


WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related..
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom.. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends..
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
=

The Talking Centipede=

A
Single guy decided life would be more fun
If
He had a pet.


So he
Went to the pet store
And
Told the owner
That
He wanted to buy an unusual pet.


After
Some discussion,
He
Finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged
Bug),
Which
Came in a little white box
To
Use for his house.


He
Took the box back home,
Found
A good spot for the box,
And
Decided he would start off
By
Taking his new pet
To
Church with him.


So he
Asked the centipede in the box,
"Would
You like to go
To
Church with me today?
We
Will have a good time."


But
There was no answer
From
His new pet.


This
Bothered him a bit,
But
He waited a few minutes
And
Then asked again,
"How about
Going
To
Church with me
And
Receive blessings?"



But
Again,
There
Was no answer
From
His new friend and pet.
So
He waited
a
Few minutes more,
Thinking
About the situation.



The
Guy decided
To
Invite the centipede
One
Last time.



This
Time
He
Put his face up against
The
Centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in
There!
Would
You like to go
To
Church with me
And
Learn about God?"
...
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS .....

This
Time,
a
Little voice
Came
Out of the box,
"I
Heard you the first time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"

Neither legal nor logical
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"


The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."


SOME MEDICAL DEFINITIONS
SOUTHERN MEDICAL DICTIONARY!!!
Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria........................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize......................... Made eye contact with her
Colic................................ A sheep dog
Coma............................ A punctuation mark
Dilate............................... To live long
Enema............................Not a friend
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent..........................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................... A higher offer
Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates
Node............................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................... near killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor............................ One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out


How to Create the Biggest Doubt in your Wife's Mind 4 u?
?
?
?
?
?
Just Suddenly send her SMS Saying..
"I Luv u too"
GAME OVER !

*When do you know you are in love?*
*Ans: When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan*

Wht is the Difference between
Young Age & Old Age?*
Simple..
In Young Age
Phone Is Full Of Darlings' Numbers..
In Old Age
It's Full of Doctors' Numbers..!

"Why is Facebook such a hit?
It works on the principle that-
'People are more interested in other's life than their own-!'


We pronounce 22 as Twenty Two, 33 as Thirty Three,
44 as Forty Four,
55 as Fifty Five, Why not 11 as Onety One?
Doubt from the last bench association...


Why does the bride & groom exchange garlands at the time of wedding..... B'coz they tell each other very affectionately that : "DARLING NOW U R DEAD"...........

What is the height of confusion ?
Two earthworms playing HIDE AND SEEK in a plate full of noodles.

What is the biggest benefit of having a crush in the same college where u study ?
.
.
.
.
.
100% Attendence... :-P


Difference between Friend & Wife
U can tell your friend
“U r my Best Friend” But
Do u have courage tell to ur Wife
“U r my Best Wife?”


Humorous Signs
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale... Cheap...no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick...
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions...

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business...

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager....

Three Lessons


Lesson number one:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
Rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
Nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden,
A fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
Sitting very, very high up


Lesson number two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
Top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
Tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
The tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson number three:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's
Responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him
To where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
Finally the ass hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the ass hole being the Boss. So the
Ass hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a
Short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched,
The heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they
All decided that the ass hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed
Out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be a Boss any ass hole will do.



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Scotch??

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it..."Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”

"No," said the little boy, full of excitement..............

"IT'S A PUPPY!"**

“Life is spent in 3 stupid stages :

TEEN AGE - Have Time & Energy But No Money

WORKING AGE - Have Money & Energy But No Time

OLD AGE - Have Time & Money But No Energy”


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS :)


KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4.. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES..

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


40 years of marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, was deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....




Father/daughter talk - Great analogy...

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and
among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to
support more government programs, in other words redistribution of
wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures
that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor,
she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire
to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes
on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so to her father.. He responded by asking
how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was
taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which
left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She
didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend
who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly
that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really
hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard
work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I
worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the
conservative side of the fence."

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great
test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for
everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping
for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward this link, so his friends can have a
good laugh.
A liberal will not because he's "offended."

Well, I've shared this message to you.


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this link to every one you can remember right now!


Riddles

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST COLLECTIONS OF FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING.
IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS
ALZHEIMER 'S FOR YEARS!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband.Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally,she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and
enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find
out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think
nothing was wrong with it. In fact,nothing is wrong with it. It is highly unusual though.
Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at
it a bit, you might find out.Try to do so without any coaching!

Scroll down for the answers:
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE OF THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

GRAND KIDS
1 She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her
young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her
lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to
kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again
without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.....

2 My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me
how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3 After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a
towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed
with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with
a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4 A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5 My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?''...... "You're both old," he replied.

6 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she
headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some
of these, yourself!"

8 When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no
use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure..." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a
little surprised, tried to keep her cool.. "That's interesting," she said, "how
do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to
'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to
correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a
fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children
started discussing the dog's duties..
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said
firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get
her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I
don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over you hear gas leaks, and they
blame their dog.





On the first day, God created the dog and said:

' Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. '

The dog said: ' That ' s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I ' ll give you back the other ten? '

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

' Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I ' ll give you a twenty-year life span. '

The monkey said: ' Monkey tricks for twenty years? That ' s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did? '

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

' You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer ' s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. '

The cow said: ' That ' s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I ' ll give back the other forty? '

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

' Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I ' ll give you twenty years. '

But man said: ' Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? '

' Okay, ' said God, ' You asked for it. '

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true to many languages..)


There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP , and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir
UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened
UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U P


Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.

Now I'll shut up !




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EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?




Learn from your elders


A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other
on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he
could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me only $5..
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,
he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references
he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail..
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.
The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket,
hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

You know you're gonna to share this one!


See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

This is so cool.....


Answer:


In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.


The Future of Publishing



Feeling Unappreciated?? Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..

In a hospital ' s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday housekeeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his IPod.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ' Return to Sender ' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


There now, feeling better?


WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION!!!
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST
ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime


Thoughts from Man's heart!!

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.


Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !


And now the Best for the Last . . . . .
Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,
'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?'



The Simplified Chinese Language...

For most of us, Chinese is a very difficult language to learn or understand. Hopefully, these simplifications will help you understand the Chinese language just a bit better!

Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table


Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift

Dum Gai - A stupid person

Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive


Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia - Approach me

Lao Ze Sho - Dawson's Creek

Lao Zi - Not very good


Lin Ching - An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai - A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse


Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile


Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting -- There is no reason to raise your voice


Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.


Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay. "

The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a DA tabase and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.


He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy like McKinsey,etc. .".


How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd.

"First, you came here without being called.

Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And third, you don't understand anything about my business...Now can I have my DOG back?"

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.



Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand --
and divorce is at least 100 grand!



Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.



Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.




Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you
said.. After marriage, he will fall asleep
before you finish.



Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.



Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate
lover, but again, the law allows only
one husband.



Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.



Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"


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